


Daniel 10:12

by AgentDianeEvans



Category: Nathan Barley (TV)
Genre: Hospital, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 07:13:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5281610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentDianeEvans/pseuds/AgentDianeEvans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan thinks about Jones in the most biblical way and sees him in a light he never has before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daniel 10:12

Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them.’

You’re the searing halogen light on the ceiling of our bedroom that seems to blind me, even in my sleep. You’re the sounds the light makes as it buzzes on and off. The quiet clicking and pattering of an old metal fan. You’re like when people say they’ve died and come back, but all they remember seeing was a blinding white light and the sounds of quiet humming.

Well, that’s just it. As I lost momentum and I felt my body fighting gravity from the window sill and hit the ground, I saw that light, and it wasn’t warm and inviting. It was like the overhead light in a police interrogation room. It wasn’t God, it wasn’t Jesus or any of his saints. It wasn’t you. It was the bright overhead lights of a hospital room. It was my false savior. It was a make-shift heaven.  
But like an after-thought, like a reminder, there you were, once the room was empty. You stood by the parted curtains looking upon me. Not at me, your eyes were casted down. I don’t know what it reminded me of, but it made me squirm, the intensity of your stare. It was more than every doctor, every psychiatrist that came through. It was like you were looking through me and really seeing what was inside, and that terrified me. It still does, every time I think about something as beautiful and pure as you even glancing inside my soul, a place I can’t even call a black hole. It’s much more like a tar pit, tar from every cigarette I ever smoked. Something that would stain you, stain your perfect wings a disgusting brown.

But you did. You stood there, unmoving, not saying anything. You watched me, the only sounds were the beeping of the machines and my labored breathing. Something in me wondered vaguely if you thought of these sounds the way you do music. If every shudder, every beep could be added to a new track, maybe remixed to make it sound healthier. Make this moment somehow sound better.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I was really dead and this was limbo. This hospital bed, this room was where I would be judged. And you were the great decider. Your simple looks and hard stare. You would be the one to say whether I’m up or down. And it’s okay, because if anyone should judge me, it should be you. And I want you to judge me, with your stares, your words, and your music. Damn me with your mixes.   
And I don’t know what you decided because before I could say anything, even try to speak, you were gone in instant, in a flash. Your presence was replaced with a cold breeze and the overwhelming smell or sterilization. And I was alive, but barely. Just barely. Physically I was alright, at least on the mend, but emotionally I was dead, and probably have been for a while. Maybe that’s why you didn’t choose. Because I had ruined any chance of having both body and soul together.

And I don’t blame you, my gorgeous angel. I can’t blame you. I don’t know what I would do if I had to make decisions for a mortal so twisted and wrong and jaded. I probably would have given up on me a long time ago. I would have written myself off.

But you’ve given me another chance, and you’ve even given me a place to stay again. The doctor told me I can go home in two days, and that I should really re-think my life choices. And for once I agree. I need to learn to become a better me. And I don’t say that loosely, and it probably won’t go well and I’ll fuck up time and time again, but I guess that’s the advantage of going home to you. You’ll put me back on the mend. You’ll save my soul, you’ll change my ways with your words, your hands, your music, your noise and you’ll make me whole again. And as of now, that’s the only thing I can believe in.


End file.
